Changes

You know, there have been a lot of changes in my life lately. And only one of them good. For the last year I spent having an affair with a woman who had been my best friend for a LONG time. It wasn't something I did out of spite, and I can't really say 'it just happened'. I take full responsibility for the folly of my actions and I am helping my family rebuild better than ever. I write this because I need to. I want to let other couples know that affairs are not deal breakers for married couples. In my case, it's made us stronger. Sure, it was tough. VERY tough at first. But my wife has been an absolute gem to me. She understands that when I walked away from the affair, that I didn't leave my feelings behind. I still carry the guilt, the shame. And yes, the love I felt for her.

Sometimes, the ache is so great I think I can't take it any more. And she is there for me. Holding me as I cry. She's been there, too. Her first husband cheated on her. And in retaliation, she cheated on him. She knows the pain. The complicated emotions that are part of an affair. But she's been my rock. And the more I hurt, the stronger she seems to get for me.

And the more I love her. I am constantly amazed at the strength of this woman. Even after 15 years of marriage, I see things in her I never knew was in her. We've opened up to each other and told secrets we'd never shared before. WITH ANYONE.

And I wonder, how the hell could I do this? How could I hurt her? What made me stray? It wasn't the sex. My friend SUCKS in bed (and not in the good way). But she's witty, intelligent, beautiful, independent. All the things my wife is. There was no real difference between them. I didn't just pick up some slut from the office for an affair. I'm not like that. Random sex is terrible. If I want to get off, I can do that myself. I don't need just anyone around to spread their legs for me.

So why? Why did I do it? I've always prided myself on being true to who I am. To always being able to look myself in the mirror and liking who I saw. Not any more. At least not right now.

Dawn has been an angel to me. There's no other word to describe her. I'd never survive this without her. I'd be in a rubber room somewhere, because I loved Angela. I LOVE Angela. Is it possible to have 2 soulmates? To be part of this incredible triumvirate of love, passion, caring?

No one I know think so. They think you have ONE person you are meant for. Somehow I don't believe it. Not now. Not the way I feel about the two of them. Is that selfish? No. Because I'm not asking to keep them both. But I know what my heart says to me. I know how my soul BURNS when I think of Angela. I think of the times we spent together and they are no different than the times I spend with Dawn. They are both beautiful people, inside and out. Intelligent, outspoken, strong.

And even though I'm torn, I still know in my hear that they both love me. They both feel me in the way that I do. I'll never lose the bond I have with Angela and Dawn knows that. I have no secrets. No more secrets.

But I wish I had some answers......