Changes

You know, there have been a lot of changes in my life lately. And only one of them good. For the last year I spent having an affair with a woman who had been my best friend for a LONG time. It wasn't something I did out of spite, and I can't really say 'it just happened'. I take full responsibility for the folly of my actions and I am helping my family rebuild better than ever. I write this because I need to. I want to let other couples know that affairs are not deal breakers for married couples. In my case, it's made us stronger. Sure, it was tough. VERY tough at first. But my wife has been an absolute gem to me. She understands that when I walked away from the affair, that I didn't leave my feelings behind. I still carry the guilt, the shame. And yes, the love I felt for her.

Sometimes, the ache is so great I think I can't take it any more. And she is there for me. Holding me as I cry. She's been there, too. Her first husband cheated on her. And in retaliation, she cheated on him. She knows the pain. The complicated emotions that are part of an affair. But she's been my rock. And the more I hurt, the stronger she seems to get for me.

And the more I love her. I am constantly amazed at the strength of this woman. Even after 15 years of marriage, I see things in her I never knew was in her. We've opened up to each other and told secrets we'd never shared before. WITH ANYONE.

And I wonder, how the hell could I do this? How could I hurt her? What made me stray? It wasn't the sex. My friend SUCKS in bed (and not in the good way). But she's witty, intelligent, beautiful, independent. All the things my wife is. There was no real difference between them. I didn't just pick up some slut from the office for an affair. I'm not like that. Random sex is terrible. If I want to get off, I can do that myself. I don't need just anyone around to spread their legs for me.

So why? Why did I do it? I've always prided myself on being true to who I am. To always being able to look myself in the mirror and liking who I saw. Not any more. At least not right now.

Dawn has been an angel to me. There's no other word to describe her. I'd never survive this without her. I'd be in a rubber room somewhere, because I loved Angela. I LOVE Angela. Is it possible to have 2 soulmates? To be part of this incredible triumvirate of love, passion, caring?

No one I know think so. They think you have ONE person you are meant for. Somehow I don't believe it. Not now. Not the way I feel about the two of them. Is that selfish? No. Because I'm not asking to keep them both. But I know what my heart says to me. I know how my soul BURNS when I think of Angela. I think of the times we spent together and they are no different than the times I spend with Dawn. They are both beautiful people, inside and out. Intelligent, outspoken, strong.

And even though I'm torn, I still know in my hear that they both love me. They both feel me in the way that I do. I'll never lose the bond I have with Angela and Dawn knows that. I have no secrets. No more secrets.

But I wish I had some answers......

A letter to a friend.

I know you'll never read this. I'll never have the chance to let you read it. But know this. I hate what happened between us in a way you'll never know. I HATE I LOST MY BEST FRIEND. I can't remember a time when you weren't around. When you didn't stop to tell me hello in the mornings when we first get to work and get online. When we shared all our hopes and dreams. And problems.

And we were virtually inseparable. All work day, every day, you were there. I knew your troubles at home as you knew mine. I knew the pain of the divorce and the comfort I hope I gave during that time. I knew the laughter, and the stupid jokes I made. You know, the ones that made you smile and shake your head as if I was some kind of crazy person.

But that's over now. And I am empty inside. I am lonely. I never said I had a lot of friends, but the ones I have are as close to me as any family member of mine.

And I threw that all away. The fault is all mine. The agony and pain I gave you is all my fault. I betrayed you and I betrayed myself. And I'll never recover from the guilt of that. And this is a time when the word never CAN be used. (Despite how much you hate it.) Nothing is the same without you. Nothing will ever be the same without you, my best friend in the whole world. I wonder if Brutus felt this way after assassinating Caesar?

I don't know why I did what I did. Not really. I've always considered myself a better person than that. I've always felt like a better person than that. But I'm not perfect, as much as I might have deluded myself before.

A part of me died on Friday. I'm ashamed and humiliated at what I've done to you. At what I've done to everyone around you. It was unfair, and I have no excuses for my actions. I've lost a big part of my world this weekend and it's my own pathetic fault.

How could I have been so stupid? I've asked this a thousand, a million times since Friday. I could be a cop out and say it was the health problems, and all the medication. But I won't. I could say it was work. Or home, or my kids. But I won't. I could say the pull was too strong. The temptation too much. But I won't. I'm not a weak person. I never have been; nor will I be so now. I'm not a victim. Not this or any other time. The fault lies completely with me. The shame and humiliation I have put upon myself (and you) is palpable to me. I feel it pressing against my heart, my soul, with the force of a nova.

And I can't change it. There is no magic wand. There is no rewind button on life. We live and we learn. And this lesson, if it doesn't kill me, will make me stronger. Better. Not that that is of any solace to you.

I know you are hurting. I know, when you've hurt in the past, you've turned to me. That isn't possible now. Nor ever again, no matter how much I entreat. How much I beg for forgiveness. I know it will never be. And every time I think that, I die a little more inside. I'm so numb now. The days aren't as bright anymore. The nights darker, more sinister. I lie awake at night and ache. For you. To comfort you. To be your friend again. To watch you smile and laugh and be happy. But I never will. Never again.

And I am sorry. Such pitiful words for the pain I've caused. They sound so hollow, empty to my dead ears. But they are sincere. I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU. God, I'm such a fool. For all my supposed intelligence, I'm still a fool.

Maybe, one day, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. But I doubt it. I don't think I deserve forgiveness for what I've done. I'll never forgive myself.

I love you, my best friend. I AM sorry for what I've done. My life will never be the same without you, and that hurts even more knowing the fault is mine.

Farewell, friend. May your journey be filled with love and happiness. Things I may never really have again in the same way I had with you in my life.

Debt and YOU!

What's really sad to me is that our so called 'intelligent' government leaders can't see what the real problem is with our country right now. The entire real estate 'bubble' along with the credit 'bubble', which has caused the economy to tank (and 84 banks to fail this year alone, has one common thread. The American consumer has put themselves neck deep in debt. Sure, credit card companies make it easy to get credit, but virtually impossible to get out of debt once in it. But the responsibility ultimately lies with the individual. GASP! Responsibility? Out of the question for people in this country any more.

But let's take this idea up one level and look at the federal government. We all know that the government has been running a debt for quite a while now. (Virtually since LBJ and Social Security) But, this current administration has taken our debt to whole new levels of scary. Let's examine just one part of the problem. The interest on the $748B (that's BILLION) TARP bailout package alone runs $100M a DAY. One hundred MILLION a day. In interest. A day. That's $36.5 BILLION a year in interest.

Now, let's look at the next 10 years. Obama's administration has put us $9 Trillion in debt over the next 10 years. What happens if we default on our loans, our lender forecloses on our house, or repos our car. What happens if the government defaults? Has ANYONE in Washington considered this at all? Are they really so shortsighted that the world is a bottomless pit of money we can continue to suck dry like a vampire? Are any of you scared yet?

If we default, we will cease to be a super power. Hell, we'll cease to be a power at all. The rest of world will carve up the country in order to recoup their losses. In effect the will REPOSSESS THE COUNTRY! NOW are you scared?

How much more in taxes are you going to have to pay in order to pay this off? How much more can you stand to pay? For me, as much as 40% of my paycheck goes into taxes now. And I'm very lucky, my health insurance is COMPLETELY covered by my employer. I pay no premiums at all. So that's not coming out of my check. But this is making me very nervous.

It's an incredibly narrow-minded and stupidly avoidable downward spiral. The government jacks up taxes to pay it's bills. The increase in taxes means more people have less money to pay THEIR bills and have to rely on government assistance. Which, of course, requires more from the government, who increase taxes to pay for it, who send more people to the dole.

It won't end until America is no more. We're running on empty, folks. I believe we are living at the time of the Decline and Fall of the American Empire.

Sad, really.

Obama and the media.

You know what I love? I love being able to make comments on news websites on articles posted there. It gives me a chance to voice my opinion in a forum that people will read, unlike this waste of bits.

But, moderated sites (like CNN) piss me off. Yeah I agree that people say things that are totally out of bounds or crude, but not posting comments because they go against the agenda they want to promote is bullshit. I continually post comments on CNNs site blasting Obama (because he's an idiot) and I've yet to see one post make it through moderation. I don't curse, I don't call names, they are straight forward and clearly argued comments against Obama and his insane policies. Of course, CNN wants to make him out to be God.

Used to, media was unbiased, objective (as any human being can be) and honest. Is there ANY media available that is that way any longer? And you wonder why the country is going to hell in a handbasket.

Soul searching

Yeah it's been a while. But no one reads my blog, so who cares?

You know, I've done a lot of soul searching lately. For most of my life I've been a dedicated agnostic. I've been comfortable with that spiritual diagnosis of myself. But lately I've begun to believe there's truly no god. Even a lassez-faire god would not have allowed Obama to run the country into the ground. True all Empires rise and fall, but America has collapsed in a way that makes Hitler's empire look stable by comparison.

Let's look at some history. We talk of the 'Dark Ages' (or Late Antiquity) as a time of horrible ignorance, superstition and misery. We haven't really come very far have we? The masses are all ignorant morons. The mob is too stupid to think for itself beyond its own selfish needs. Yet, we cater to them since there are so DAMN many of them. Because they are votes. This isn't equality. Not everyone is equal. We should mandate a minimum level of education for voters. At least a 2 year college degree, if not 4. That would keep the dumbasses who just want a handout from the Feds from voting in the bastards who will give it to them. It will also inspire an increase in the number of educated people, or it should. And the direction of this country (and the world) will move forward in a civilized and RATIONAL manner. (Not to mention, had this been in place last year that dipshit Obama would NEVER have been elected.

This is the problem with letting everyone who can sign their name vote. Demagogues are BAD. Ancient Rome should us that. Revolutionary France as well. Mob rule is not RULE, it's anarchy. The mob in America has to be the worst mass in the history of the world. Not only are they ignorant, and selfish, but lazy and greedy as well. Stupid bastards are killing America.

We could also fix this problem by doing all the important work in Latin rather than English. That way the morons wouldn't know what we were talking about and would not be able to turn America into the worst kind of welfare state.

See, here's the problem with all this. It's a horrible downward spiral. Provide handouts to the lazy in such a way as to make it better for them to not work. This increases the tax burden for the rest of us. The more we're taxed, the less we have to provide for ourselves, and the more people have to fall back on welfare. Which increases the tax burden on the rest of us even more. See where I'm heading here? Why can't the assholes in Washington see this? Because it keeps getting them elected, that's why. Right now, the tax burden for someone making $50K a year is 33%. So, 33 cents of every dollar made goes to pay some lazy son of a bitch to stay home and do nothing. (More or less.) So, at $50K, the worker brings home 33,500 of that $50K. And $16,500 pays for someone else. That is HALF of the take home pay of that worker. HALF. Are you kidding me?

So, over 2 years, that worker, well educated (to work at a job making $50K/yr) hands over to the Federal government (and state) 1 years salary. Is that FAIR? Hell no. What does he get in return? Nothing. He pays his bills without help from the government. What value is there for his $16,500/year? None. Zero.

And this is mob rule for you. Now, imagine if Obama gets his health care reform. To go along with the 2 TRILLION he's already spent in his first 6+ months in office. The interest on the money he's spent in office is $100 Million a DAY. A day. It boggles the mind. Where will the money come from to pay it off? What he should have done is cut taxes, cut spending and give the working people a break. Not spend more and make it harder on the working class. It's bad enough trying to pay our bills now.

I'm sick of that man's bullshit. Someone needs to take him out. Take all of Congress out. They are out of touch. Were they ever in touch? Probably not.

Funny how life changes so fast.

I'm constantly amazed at how much life changes. And how it can change in an instant. A year ago insulting and jeering our then President was considered par for the course. Now, jeering THIS so-called president will get you smacked down. Obama is not God. He's not better than GW. He's proven to be the Socialist he said he wasn't. He's reneged on every promise he's made and he's still pouring troops into Iraq and Afghanistan. Explain to me how he gets the free pass? Are we afraid calling him an asshole will be considered racist? Is that it?

My god, people, he's a joke. He's destroying what little faith we had in the office. He's extorted CEO changes from the largest car maker in the world and then STILL witheld bailout money. What kind of son of a bitch does that? There can be plays about killing Bush, yet Obama is the one we need to take out and it's NOT RIGHT to say that?

Bullshit.

Cut costs? Seriously?

I'm continually amazed at the stupidity that is the current American administration. Our esteemed president (and that is said tongue-in-cheek) sees no problem with tossing a trillion dollars to businesses who DESERVE to fail. he's now asking his 'cabinet', to cut $100M. He says 'we need to regain the people's trust'. Is he serious? The only way that could happen is if he takes back the trillion he's handed to companies like AIG.

I just cannot believe the nerve and arrogance of this man. I've tried really hard to think he can do the right things for America. I had 'hope'. Damn, was I wrong. He's put our country in so much debt that if we pay back 1 million dollars a DAY, we're closer to the birth of Christ than we are to paying this bailout off. He's so shortsighted, he wants immediate changes and it doesn't happen that way. He wants to confirm his next term and nothing more. I swear, I'll do my best to keep his dumb ass off the ballot in 4 years. He's an embarrassment to us. The world laughs at the 'stupid Americans' and with his election we've only reinforced that view.